Sunday 30 October 2005

D U I



Driving under the influence of

M I L K

at least he checks over his shoulder

Monday 24 October 2005

ballbag

na nana na na na na nana na na na na na ballbag


THIS IS JUST A LITTLE "BATTY"



or was it FATTY

do you think he is going for the north shot

ready to bat off

This is why you are not the star Robin
you only have a little cock robin

bat boy is going for the role in the upcoming production of star wars off broadway
he is going for the part of Han Solo

Friday 21 October 2005

what ever happened to










timeline
27 Jun 1995
The LAPD arrests streetwalker Divine Brown for prostitution after she is discovered giving British film star Hugh Grant a blowjob in a white BMW parked on Hawthorn Ave. To be fair, they also arrest Grant for receiving said blowjob.
1995
Divine Brown appears on Danny Bonaduce's short-lived talk show, Danny!
25 Apr 1996
Divine Brown appears on Howard Stern.
Sep 1996
Divine Brown arrested in Las Vegas for prostitution and loitering.
13 Jun 1997
Las Vegas judge refuses to toss 1996 loitering conviction.
16 Apr 1998
Divine Brown appears on the premiere episode of Joey Buttafuoco's late-night cable access show in Los Angeles.
1999
Divine Brown appears on Judge Judy.
oct 2005
divine brown seen in the Vaucluse area of sydney given a warning by police whilst performing lewd acts

oh what a Woman

One for the Girls


THE SPOON

PRACTICE FIRST!: Most of us will have some trouble at first just trying to allow ourselves to pee standing and frequent practice will allow you to get comfortable and confident. Try standing in the shower---naked. Experiment with your stance. I'm most comfortable with my feet about 1 1/2 to 2 feet apart. Hold the device in your hand with the spoon towards your body, facing up.

What about that last little bit of pee left in my device when I stop peeing?

When you are completely done peeing and the stream has stopped you will have pee left in the handle because of suction pressure. Gently tip your device down while bringing it forward until you have completely removed it from your crotch. With more practice, you will be able to position your hand over it to conceal it when emptying the last drops. Shake it dry like a man!

More?

Thursday 20 October 2005

hunks on toast




"Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless in a world of criminals who operate above the law…"


David Hasselhoff narrowly avoided jail yesterday (28.10.04) on a drink-drive charge - but was ordered to attend Alcoholics Anonymous instead.

"sorry mr police orifice ahhh my car said he was driving"

Monday 17 October 2005

the fear

Singapore yesterday jailed two bloggers for making racist comments on the internet, in the first use by the government against individuals of a 57-year-old sedition act, raising concerns of a broader regulation of websites.

Lee Hsien Loong, the prime minister, said this week that use of the sedition law was necessary to preserve Singapore's racial and religious harmony when ethnic tensions in south-east Asia could increase in reaction to Islamic terrorism.

We have new Sedition laws coming in as well.

gonads?

What Good Are Glowing Gonads?

Apparently, one way to control the spread of malaria (which, incidentally, kills more than a million people each year, most of them children) is to cull the population of mosquitoes. And one way to do that is to flood a malaria-infested area with millions of sterile male mosquitoes. Males don't bite people, so they don't spread the disease. And females mate only once in their two-week life, so they can't pass malaria on if they mate with sterilised males.

There is, however, one problem with the plan: the mosquitoes released must all be males, because even sterilised females can transmit malaria. And telling male mosquito larvae from female ones isn't easy.

Enter the glowing gonads. This week, researchers at London's Imperial College announced that they have genetically modified mosquitoes by attaching a gene for florescence found in jellyfish to a gene expressed in mosquito testicles. In effect, they've made males' gonads glow so they can sort sterilised males from females and save human lives. Hopefully, female mosquitoes will find glowing gonads attractive.

(Extract from "This Week's Discoveries" in Knowledge News)


Now this is all well and good, but does this mean that not only will we be kept awake with that hideously incessant buzzing noise, we'll also have to put up some crazy mosquito-nuts disco party in the dead of the night? Anyone who's spent the night at my place will understand what a potential mind fuck this could be.....














Close up of a Coquillettidia Perturbans.

If you look close enough, you can see his fluoro nads..... though if you do, you really are a sick fucker.

Saturday 15 October 2005

why is it so

why are there so many song's about rainbow's
and why are we so stupid everybody knows he should be holding it on the other end spraying it at his friends well at least he wont have to wax his snail trail save 10 bucks and spend it on some chrome polish for his pick up truck to wipe the kid mark's oh i mean skid mark ..... ouch

Friday 14 October 2005

Caufield cup


my horse? Eye Popper!

Thursday 13 October 2005

An Ode to Ian Abraham Clifford

A man came riding into town
What a very lovely man
Was that a horse he was a-ridin'?


No, it was a sausage.

Sk8 or Die

Was this you, B-Rad?? Go the urban renegades......

Woman hit by skateboarder in critical condition.

Seemed like such an innocent toy
He was an All-American boy
Got a skate at eight years old
Now the story can be told

Cause he rips-he rips
When he skates-he skates
He never hesitates...
He's the wizard on the wheels
He's a modern gladiator and he ain't got no fears
So skate!

Beware he's possessed to skate!

danger girl

Ever had one of those moments when you’re walking along with an umbrella, and it somehow gets lodged between your legs and trips you over?

Well, that pretty much sums up my day yesterday.

It started off at 5:43am, when I was ever so rudely awakened by what I thought was the garbage truck outside my window, so raced down the stairs to take the rubbish and recycling out, in the rain, only to find it wasn’t garbage day at all. And furthermore, I was not at all appropriately attired to be out in public (ok, so it was only the back alley) – which I realised when a disgustingly happy couple jogging past me with their cutesy little dog came to an abrupt halt and openly stared at me and my obviously offensive appearance, until I snarled and threatened to poke them in the eye unless they fucked off and stopped looking at me. Uh, hello! Guys, you’re the psychopaths, not me. I mean, seriously, you’d have to be psychotic to be out exercising that early in the morning. Right? The only kind of sweat I’d want to be working up at that time of the morning would involve.... well, nevermind.

So anyway, I dragged myself back inside and realised that the kitchen table really needed polishing (huh?), so went to the sink and got the Mr Sheen out and started polishing until my housemate came out, glared at me, and demanded to know why the hell I was cleaning at 6am?? Hmmm, now what was I saying about psychopaths?

Then I managed to shower, dress, hustle my arse up to the bus stop, eventually find a ride to the station, and jump on a train to Parramatta. So far so good.

Upon arriving at said hellish destination, I decided to get coffee to help me through the morning. I buy, on impulse: one large strong flat white, two sugars. One piece of banana bread, toasted with butter. And against better judgment, a small tub of strawberry yoghurt – which came in a stupid plastic cup and no lid. Paid my $8:70 (bloody hell!!) then made with the near impossible task of carting this load the two blocks to my office. Did I mention it was raining? Well, drizzling is perhaps a better word. Somehow I fumbled my way through Church Street Mall, narrowly avoiding collision with the Falun Gong homies practising Tai Chi in the park. Normally I enjoy this regular feature of my morning.... and now upon seeing me coming they even part to allow me through – mainly, I think, because by now they’re pretty much used to me walking amongst them with my eyes closed to enjoy the serenity, listening to the gentle rustling of their clothes, and the eerie voice of the little old man leading them through the movements. And I’ve only ever bumped into three people and knocked them off balance and to the ground in the last six months or so, which I figure is doing pretty good. Though in my paranoia, I’m convinced they’re always talking about me, saying to each other "here comes that bumble-headed white girl again". But I don’t care, I feel kinda like Moses parting the Red Sea. It’s really rather empowering. Yet weird. Hell, one even had a massive sword one morning, which frightened the hell out of me.

Oops, I digressed. Still with me? I’m telling you about my disastrous morning yesterday. Now where was I? Oh yeah, so I managed to make it all the way to the traffic lights opposite my building without incident. Damn those traffic lights, they were my undoing. There I stood, with coffee, yoghurt, banana bread, umbrella, my (stupidly oversized) bag slipping off my shoulder, my headphones falling off my head, and my swipe card ready to get me into the building. And somehow I had to figure out how the hell I was going to press the little button at the traffic lights to trigger the lights to change so I could cross the road. Forget for a moment that there was some guy standing just behind me, also wanting to cross the road – who, it turns out, works for the same department as me, and who also happened to have NOTHING in his damn hands and yet refused to press the goddamn button. After giving it a few moments thought, I precariously balanced the yoghurt on top of my coffee (which had a lid) in my right hand, and in my left hand grasped the bread, umbrella, swipe card, and was hunched over to stop my bag slipping completely off my shoulder and knock everything out of my hands. I reached forward with my right hand, pressed the button, and bam! the yoghurt toppled off and splatted on the ground in front of me, spraying up all over the front of my black tights and skirt. Fuck it!

And to make matters worse, just as I’d finished throwing a complete tantrum and slammed everything else down on the pavement in sheer frustration (a split second later hoping desperately that no-one had seen the last 20 seconds or so of my behaviour), I realised my good friend and workmate, Meegan, was stopped at the lights opposite in her car, along with her kinda cute brother, and had witnessed the whole shebang.

Could it get much worse? Apparently so.

My fucking pen had a complete spastic attack and spewed blue ink all over me. My eyes started itching (damn you Scott Baio and your freaking pink eye) because of the pollen in the air, and so by the end of the day I looked like some hideous creature from god knows where, with big red googly eyes. Some crazy homeboys on my train home... oh my god, had I morphed into Dude McFly on the set of Back to the Future, and been transmogrified (whatever the hell that means) to the nineteen-fucking-eighties? These two, I don’t know, Korean? gangbangers (well, they were in my head) sat behind me, with their ‘ghettoblaster’, um, blasting, some hip hop crap. And stupid me, I turned around and glared at them, challenging them with my freaky puffed up red eyes to turn the music down or else (not such a good idea, considering it was dark outside, and we were the only three people in the carriage). Their response? Not only did they turn the fucking music UP, and I’ll be damned if they didn’t also start singing (read as, wailing) at me.

But I got home safely, finally. And the lesson learnt? I’ll stick to letting the guy who sits next to me buy me coffee and raisin toast each morning, thank you very much. Self sufficiency is really overrated.

Oh, and by the way, I don’t have a habit of placing umbrellas between my legs. Well, not normally.

bush or brazilian


Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.""OH NO!" Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Wednesday 12 October 2005

b r o w n n o t e

One day, when I am king...

The Chief Information Officer in my department has recently resigned, and it’s got me thinking that that’s one job I reckon I’d really dig (bah! who needs qualifications anyway??).

And one of the first things I’d implement is an intercom system from my desk, and would make it my number one duty to provide random announcements to all the staff in the building pertaining to observations that, as Head Information Honcho, I think they’d all need to know.

The kind of announcements I’d make would include things like:

“OK, listen up people. It’s come to my attention that Cheryl from Accounts is having liposuction this weekend. I really don’t know why she’d bother. I mean, she’s as ugly as a hat full of arseholes anyway - as if anyone is ever going to sleep with her. Maybe if she got those ghastly teeth fixed....”

“Pineapple doughnuts dunked in raspberry fanta is just plain wrong”

“Holy hell. Who was that nasty critter who just took a dump in the level 3 toilets? Dude, you need to get yourself seen to.”

“Hey, everyone! Word on the street is John from Finance is secretly gay, and has a strange fetish for fondling goldfish nuts”.

“I like scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly”

“OK, who took my lunch from the tea room??? God damn you all to hell”

“Oh my god. We’ve just received a bomb threat. Quick, everyone. Run for your lives! Don’t bother with them pesky evacuation procedures. Get out while there’s still time.” (and then about a minute later) “Ah, just kidding. Ha ha ha”

Viva Las Vegas


How 'bout them damn kooky Americans....... And some say paintball is strictly a redneck activity.

The top ticket price allegedly includes the opportunity to mount the prey. And they don't mean on the wall, although the site's photo array does include a nude woman wall ornament along with a hunter holding his just-shot "kill" by the breasts.

Tuesday 11 October 2005

Drunk in Public

Or is that Punk in Drublic?

Anyone seen the footage of the 64 year old (black) dude being beaten by a couple of (white) cops in the French Quarter of New Orleans on Saturday night? He was accused of public intoxication. I guess it WAS on Bourbon Street, after all..... Excuse me bartender, can you make me a Rodney King, and don’t go easy on the punch.


Monday 10 October 2005

Queertown or Wrongtown?


move over cow poke
i mean cow folk
i mean bloke

whatever are you all going soft or something
wanna hear my review on the polly prissy pant's garden party .... well it >>> SUCKED >>>

If it breathes, kill it.



"It is a thrill. It's just hardcore, it pulls no punches, it's scary, it's ultra-violent..."


"You know, when you see someone's head blowing off and when you see the game brought to life in that kind of way, you kinda get what we're striving to achieve."
"It's relentless. It doesn't let go. It just really grabs you by the nuts."
- Karl Urban - the Doom guy
Something has gone wrong at a remote scientific research station on Mars. All research has ceased. Communication has failed. And the messages that do get through are less than comforting. It's a level 5 quarantine and the only souls allowed in or out are the Rapid Response Tactical Squad - hardened Space Marines armed to the teeth with enough firepower to neutralize the enemy... or so they think
See the trailer at Yahoo movies

Flip you, you melon farmer

Meet Otto. He's a clean-cut kid in a dirty business. He's a Repo Man. He steals cars legally. Now, he's out to repossess a '64 Chevy Malibu...with an amazing reward of $20,000. But Otto is not alone. There are others who want the car and will do anything to get it. The risks are great, because hidden in the trunk is something so incredible it could destroy them all. We'll give you a hint... it glows in the dark.

You have to love Repo Man. I watched it again last night and was reminded of why it's one of my all time favourite movies. The cast are all very indie cool, the plot is one of the weirdest conceived and it's pace and story is just as fine.

Don't want to talk about anything else. We don't want to know. We're just dedicated...to our favourite shows. Saturday night live! Monday night football! Dallas! Jeffersons! Gilligan's island! Flintstones!

Saturday 8 October 2005

dog eat dog world

cannibal dog caught in a seedy bar in down town Melbourne
when questioned by police all he had to say for himself was
woof

Position vacant

looking for work ? need a challenge in life !great travel opportunities


Looking for work? Consider Al Qaeda...
Fri Oct 7, 2005 10:49 AM ET




DUBAI (Reuters) - Al Qaeda has put job advertisements on the Internet asking for supporters to help put together its Web statements and video montages, an Arabic newspaper reported.
The London-based Asharq al-Awsat said on its Web site this week that al Qaeda had "vacant positions" for video production and editing statements, footage and international media coverage about militants in Iraq, the Palestinian territories, Chechnya and other conflict zones where militants are active.
The paper said the Global Islamic Media Front, an al Qaeda-linked Web-based organization, would "follow up with members interested in joining and contact them via email."
The paper did not say how applicants should contact the Global Islamic Media Front.
Al Qaeda supporters widely use the Internet to spread the group's statements through dozens of Islamist sites where anyone can post messages. Al Qaeda-linked groups also set up their own sites, which frequently have to move after being shut by Internet service providers.
The advertisements, however, could not be found on mainstream Islamist Web sites where al Qaeda and other affiliate groups post their statements.
Asharq al-Awsat said the advert did not specify salary amounts, but added: "Every Muslim knows his life is not his, since it belongs to this violated Islamic nation whose blood is being spilled. Nothing should take precedence over this."
The Front this week issued the second broadcast of a weekly Web news program called Voice of the Caliphate, which it says aims to combat anti-Qaeda "lies and propaganda" on major global and Arab television channels such as CNN and Al Jazeera.
Last month it issued an English-language video on the Internet called Jihad Hidden Camera which showed sniping and bombing attacks against U.S. forces in Iraq, and carried comical sound effects as well as laugh tracks.
Al Qaeda and other groups have increasingly turned to the Internet to win young Muslims over to their war against Western-backed governments in Arab and Muslim countries.
Islamist insurgents fighting U.S. forces and the U.S.-backed government in Iraq have often posted slick montages of their military activities, including beheadings of hostages, on the Internet.
var year = new Date()
document.write('© Reuters ' + year.getFullYear() + ". All Rights Reserved." );

Friday 7 October 2005

ldodgeball anyone?


White Goodman: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of losing with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
Peter La Fleur: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the tournament.
White Goodman: Yeah, you will take your chances.
Peter La Fleur: I know. I just said that.
White Goodman: I know you just said that.
Peter La Fleur: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
White Goodman: I'm not sure where you're going with this.
Peter La Fleur: That's what I said.
White Goodman: That's what I'm saying to you.
Peter La Fleur: All right.
White Goodman: Touché.

hmmm...

Failure is

Thursday 6 October 2005

Note to self

Note to self: never bite off more than you can chew


















How bizarre is this.
A 4 metre python exploded when it tried swallowing a 2 metre alligator in Florida recently. Hmm, perhaps I should remember this nex time I'm swallowing...... oh, nevermind.

Full Moon Festival

Yikes!

HALO HALO HALO

Word on the street is that gaming fan Peter Jackson is making a film version of Halo in New Zealand. The production budget is meant to be huge. I wonder who'll play the Master Chief. Maybe it can be some Benny Hill style movie, with the actors shooting each other in the arse (which, of course, is how I play Halo - that is, when I'm not hiding in the corner hoping the Covenant won't find me...... I guess this kinda defeats the purpose).

Now, if only someone would make a film version of Tenchu: Return from Darkness (ninja! yeah, run away....... you not much for me).

who needs a moe bro




you ever play double dragon

Wednesday 5 October 2005

An offer you can't refuse

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am Mr Paul Steven, Managing Director of UNIVERSAL IMPORT/EXPORT COMPANY LTD based in the United Kingdom (London). We are a small scale manufacturer of home supplies and we export into Canada, America and Middle-East.

My company is currently recruiting Representatives/Agents that will assist us with some logistics jobs as well as receiving payments on our behalf and remitting back to us. Please contact us for more information if you are interested in being an agent of my company through the email address below. Subject to your acceptance of this offer, you shall be given more information about the job and your remuneration/commission.

We manufacture toilet paper, household sanitary paper products- paper such as melt blown papers, micro fiber wipers, industrial papers, industrial wipes, medical papers, beautification papers, non-woven paper, nonwoven wiper, air laid paper, cleaning papers for hands, absorbent oil cotton paper, medical paper including sanitary paper roll, rolled type, remedy towel, folding types, g-string disposable underwear, men & women disposable underwear, disposable shower caps, disposable beauty cloth.

Please if you are interested contact us with email addresses below for more details.

Mr. Paul Steven,
Email:
bridge65@walla.com
Email:
greatest100@k.ro

Want to learn more? Email him... or visit this site

American Dream

A former French minister muses that the United States is the last "Bismarckian power"—the last country to believe that the pinpoint application of military power is the critical instrument of foreign policy.

Two decades ago, a U.S. CEO earned 39 times the average worker; today he pulls in 1,000 times as much.

"The American dream has become an American nightmare..."

Gender issues...

Maniac killer

You are a maniac killer.

It doesn't matter who they are and what they have or haven't done. You still want to kill them. And for a simple reason only; it's fun.

Seeing people in pain is like ecstasy. Maybe you have some sort of mental problems or you are this way because of previous deep scars, only you know. But now you are sadistic and maybe you only like to see a special group of people be in pain (e.g. preps). However you are not the most social person in the bunch and people think you are weird. That bothers you somewhat but atleast you can entertain yourself with daydreaming about killing them. After all, they have no idea what's coming.

Main weapon: Explosives and torture equpiment
Quote: "Insanity: a perfect rational adjustment to an insane world" - R.D. Lang
Facial expression: Wicked smile

What Type of Killer Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday 4 October 2005

b-rad

all you zombies drive me crazy

Well Well Well ... look who we have here
the end of the world is nigh the tide is high
and these boot's were made for shoving up your a hole

anyways aboot time ya cod piece

now to those fucken zombies maybe the boy's from
Jemaah Islamiyah should focus their attention to killing
some fuckin zombies so that we can all get some sleep
win win situation really .. cunts get to blow shit up
zombies get to be fucked up
BRains more BRains !!!!!!

Monday 3 October 2005

The Old __________ Trick

Don Adams died on September 25, 2005

This old catchphrase was in the series from the start, appearing in Mr. Big as "The old garbage trick." It was usually followed by the phrase "that's the second time I've fallen for that this month/week." My personal favorite comes from Smartacus:

"The old Professor Peter Peckinpah all purpose anti-personnel Peckinpah pocket pistol under the toupee trick."